


PROV3 YOU'R3 COOL, COOLK1D

by AOrange



Series: Fruity Rumpus Afterlife Road Trip [6]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, can be read independently of series, dave is actually a dork, so not cool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 16:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOrange/pseuds/AOrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terezi wants to hear about the single coolest moment of your life. Dave Strider does not have one moment, his entire life has been an aura of cool. She settles for three stories, but her reaction is pretty much the opposite of what you'd hoped for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	PROV3 YOU'R3 COOL, COOLK1D

Your number one, all time best COOLK1D moment? How the fuck are you supposed to pick just one? Your entire life has been cool. Every waking minute has been your all time best COOLK1D moment, and you'd be sure as fuck trying to argue the sleeping moments were pretty cool, too. Even three year old Dave was rocking sweet-ass pjs. 

You tell Terezi as much, and she just gives you that fucking grin, the smug one, like she doubts your self-assessment of cool. You're going to argue. She's not going to win. You're going to prove that every minute of Dave Strider's life has been spent as cool as a fucking cucumber. An ironic one, with shades. A coolcumber. You should trademark that. 

Then she's laughing and laughing because you've somersaulted away from her, and away from the possibility of her licking right across your face again. Lying on the floor and screeching like a wiggler isn't cool, she tells you, and you flip her off in return. 

Fine, you say. Top three moments. You're not going to give just one, and if you can't just leave the list at 'every little fucking thing I've ever done', she's going to need to sit through three stories. She purses her lips thoughtfully, debating whether or not to agree to your bullshit today, but eventually she nods. 

Permission granted, you wipe your face once more for good measure, then sit up. 

DAVE: okay in no particular order  
DAVE: i present to you  
DAVE: dave striders top three coolest moments in the fucking history of ever   
TEREZI: YOUR3 BOR1NG M3 4LR34DY, STR1D3R. G3T ON W1TH 1T

You get on with it. 

DAVE: school was a pretty shitty place where i come from  
DAVE: i mean it probably still is shitty somewhere in some universe  
DAVE: but my universe  
DAVE: there it was really shitty  
DAVE: like so fucking shitty you wouldnt believe it  
DAVE: and if you can believe it my school was so shitty that no one   
DAVE: not a single sorry soul  
DAVE: realised how rad i was  
DAVE: and im talking a bunch of seven year olds  
DAVE: those fuckers just spend their days hanging from trees and shitting their pants  
DAVE: okay maybe not the last one  
DAVE: but its not hard to be cool when youre seven  
DAVE: i was so awesome  
DAVE: i had everything  
DAVE: the shades  
DAVE: not these ones mind you but these were a beautifully ironic birthday present  
DAVE: my old ones were pretty cool  
DAVE: i had the fucking sneakers  
DAVE: got a fucking GBA for christmas  
DAVE: discman  
DAVE: so cool  
DAVE: right   
TEREZI: TH3Y H4T3D YOUR GUTS, D1DNT TH3Y?   
DAVE: so fucking much  
DAVE: okay so i had all that shit   
DAVE: but i think the irony went over their heads   
TEREZI: WH4T H4PP3N3D?   
DAVE: yeah they stole my discman

You're still angry about that. You never did get your copy of The Eminem Show back. 

DAVE: so after that shit went down  
DAVE: and i got in trouble for provoking them   
TEREZI: D1D YOU?   
DAVE: yeah because i was short and my hair is blonde and my brother was a faggot  
DAVE: totally my fault  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: they werent getting my GBA   
TEREZI: YOUR WH4T?   
DAVE: man you guys are so backwards  
DAVE: superior handheld game system   
TEREZI: 1'LL ALLOW 1T   
TEREZI: GO ON   
DAVE: so this asshole right  
DAVE: grabs my backpack  
DAVE: tries to rip it off my back  
DAVE: so i take off and he falls because i got mad running skills  
DAVE: super fast  
DAVE: and then this douchebag and his merry band of dickwads are chasing me  
DAVE: and the next thing they know  
DAVE: ive hit this tree at like   
DAVE: fifty miles an hour  
DAVE: scaled it  
DAVE: right to the fucking top  
DAVE: and i ended up on the roof  
DAVE: two story roof  
DAVE: and i stayed there until lunch   
TEREZI: WHY TH3N?   
DAVE: because some asshole called the fire department   
TEREZI: YOU W3R3 ON F1RE?   
DAVE: nah i was on the roof  
DAVE: teachers couldnt get me down  
DAVE: threatened to call the department in  
DAVE: i still didnt come down so they called em in  
DAVE: i got suspended for three days   
TEREZI: D1D TH3 OTH3R K1DS F1GUR3 OUT YOU W3RE COOL AFT3R TH4T?   
DAVE: yeah no  
DAVE: which leads into my second awesome coolkid moment

She's listening with all the attention you think she's capable of giving to anything. She's even stopped sketching out the parking lot for Can Town Elementary and is sitting back on her heels, staring vacantly at you from behind her own shades. You're still safely out of arms reach, where you intend to stay. She raises an eyebrow, so you continue your story before the teeth come out. 

DAVE: okay second rad moment straight from the childhood of strider  
DAVE: a couple years later  
DAVE: when i was in fifth grade  
DAVE: so i was what nine  
DAVE: shit that was like four years ago wow  
DAVE: man this shit still makes me laugh   
TEREZI: TH1S SH1T 1S M4K1NG M3 CRY   
DAVE: do you want to hear it or not   
TEREZI: Y34H BUT 1 DONT W4NT TO H34R 4LL THE 3XTR4 SH1T  
TEREZI: JUST G3T TO TH3 PO1NT   
DAVE: fuck off im getting there  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: fifth grade  
DAVE: kids were still being shits  
DAVE: just could not appreciate strider levels of awesome  
DAVE: i was just so off the charts cool  
DAVE: so off the charts billboard couldnt put me at number one  
DAVE: because i was cooler than that  
DAVE: and we still had to do that stupid   
DAVE: tell us what you did on the weekend  
DAVE: and bring in some fucktarded prop to help tell the story  
DAVE: one kid brought in his dead hamster once  
DAVE: fell off my fucking chair laughing  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: so its my turn  
DAVE: and ive had a rad weekend  
DAVE: so i brought in this fucking katana  
DAVE: because i was going to tell the story of how i got a hit on bro  
DAVE: man that was a good weekend  
DAVE: like i only got him on the arm  
DAVE: but a decade of no hits  
DAVE: that nick was like a goddamn kill shot   
TEREZI: YOU T4LK 4 LOT OF SH1T, YOU KNOW TH4T, R1GHT?  
TEREZI: 1 C4N S33 WHY TH3 OTH3R HUM4N WIGGL3RS H4T3D YOU   
DAVE: still talking yo  
DAVE: so i was dragging this katana to school  
DAVE: the fucking thing was like half my height  
DAVE: i got halfway across the yard  
DAVE: some kid screamed  
DAVE: other kids screamed  
DAVE: didnt take long for some teacher to figure out why everyone was screaming  
DAVE: then he started screaming  
DAVE: manhandled me like no ones business  
DAVE: tossed me over one shoulder after he took the sword  
DAVE: i got suspended for a week and had to talk to some shrink before they let me back on the property  
DAVE: shit was hilarious   
TEREZI: YOU H4D TO T4LK TO 4 WH4T?   
DAVE: a shrink  
DAVE: you know when rose gets all  
DAVE: oh tell me your problems  
DAVE: no wait ill just tell you your problems  
DAVE: you once picked up a pen so youre an a grade homo  
DAVE: that sort of thing  
DAVE: i told them the truth  
DAVE: they said i had an overactive imagination  
DAVE: decided i wasnt dangerous  
DAVE: so i went back a week later  
DAVE: and nothing was different

She's looking at you again, slightly less impressed by this story than your second one. You don't know why. It had everything. A badass nine year old hero, overly dramatic teachers, swords, and a triumphant return. There was nothing not awesome about that story. 

DAVE: did you hear the part where i was nine  
DAVE: and took a sword to school   
TEREZI: Y34H, 1 D1D   
DAVE: and   
TEREZI: YOU W3R3 STOPP3D BY 4 GROWN HUM4N B3FOR3 YOU GOT TO K1LL YOUR P33RS   
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: i wasnt going to kill anyone  
DAVE: it was for talking about   
TEREZI: ...TH4TS TH3 MOST BOR1NG TH1NG Y3T. YOUR TH1RD STORY B3TTER BE MORE 1NT3R3ST1NG   
DAVE: or   
TEREZI: OR 1LL F1ND YOU WH3N YOU'R3 SL33P1NG, T4KE YOUR SH4D3S, 4ND L1CK YOUR 3Y3B4LLS   
DAVE: that is so gross

You pull a disgusted face and Terezi falls sideways from laughing so hard. She's lying on the floor with chalk on her face, still laughing, and you're sure those are tears of joy spilling out from behind her glasses. You wait patiently for the giggles to die down and when they do, Terezi rolls over onto her back, head still facing your direction. The grin is still there, less malicious and more condescending, as she reaches up over her head and picks up the scalemate from the top of the school building - she'd placed him there earlier, while you were talking about being on the roof of your own school. The dragon ends up with the crook of her elbow wrapped about his neck. She stifles a snort of laughter and you glare at her, not that she can see it, but you're sure she smells it because she makes an effort to put on a straight face. 

TEREZI: OK4Y, T3LL M3 YOUR L4ST STORY   
DAVE: okay  
DAVE: story three  
DAVE: the moment when i solidified my status as the coolest kid around  
DAVE: wow  
DAVE: can you hear the anticipation  
DAVE: or smell it  
DAVE: so tense in here  
DAVE: so the katana thing happened at the end of fourth grade  
DAVE: i must have been ten then  
DAVE: i dont know  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: so that happened and then there was like three weeks before summer vacation  
DAVE: which was probably shittier than being at school  
DAVE: because it meant ten weeks straight at home  
DAVE: which was cool  
DAVE: but it meant i was home for ten weeks  
DAVE: and after two weeks the smuppet ass joke gets old  
DAVE: and after the katana thing  
DAVE: i was on some kind of probation   
TEREZI: WHY?   
DAVE: because i took the sword to school and they thought i was a complete whackjob  
DAVE: human schools are strict on the whole  
DAVE: dont give lethal weapons to grade schoolers  
DAVE: thing   
TEREZI: YOUR 34RTH SOUNDS MOR3 BOR1NG 3V3RYT1M3 YOU OP3N YOUR 1GNOR4NCE TUNN3L   
DAVE: whatever  
DAVE: they told me i couldnt bring certain shit to school anymore  
DAVE: like i wasnt allowed swords, knives, anything from the gym, that kind of shit  
DAVE: basically most potential weapons  
DAVE: kids lost their shit in art whenever i picked up scissors  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: start of fifth grade  
DAVE: assholes start up again but its just after summer vacation  
DAVE: and ive spent six weeks on the roof  
DAVE: with bro  
DAVE: training like a fucking champ  
DAVE: well not all six weeks  
DAVE: and not really during the day  
DAVE: sometimes we went up there at night  
DAVE: summer in houston is balls  
DAVE: the point is  
DAVE: some douchenozzle tried to jump me for my rad shoes  
DAVE: i did this epic fucking flip out of the way  
DAVE: kept running  
DAVE: flipped again  
DAVE: took a running dive at the monkey bars  
DAVE: swung up to the top  
DAVE: stepped on his fingers when he tried to climb up  
DAVE: broke one  
DAVE: and then i launched three shuriken at him while he was down   
TEREZI: 1S 4NY OF TH4T 3V3N TRU3?   
DAVE: every word tz  
DAVE: every word   
TEREZI: WH4T HAPPENED?

She's hooked. You've got her attention now, she's convinced you're the coolest creature to ever exist in all of time and paradox space. She's so enamoured by your story that she's crawled over to you and is lying with her head on your lap, still clutching the scalemate in her arm. Dave Strider is nothing if not popular as hell with the ladies. Freaky space ladies, but ladies nonetheless. 

DAVE: yeah i got expelled  
DAVE: and then i got rejected by four other schools before bro found me another one  
DAVE: because i was a liability

Terezi grins and sits up, just enough, to press a quick kiss to the bottom of your chin. She settles back down and picks up the scalemate, examining it closely for a moment before she sets it back on her stomach, seemingly satisfied with her findings.

TEREZI: D4V3?   
DAVE: yeah tz   
TEREZI: YOUR3 TH3 B1GG3ST DORK 1'VE 3V3R M3T  
TEREZI: 3V3R  
TEREZI: YOUR3 TH3 COMPL3T3 OPPOS1TE OF COOL  
TEREZI: YOU W3R3 N3V3R COOL  
TEREZI: ACC3PT 1T   
DAVE: that hurts  
DAVE: youve wounded my fucking soul  
DAVE: so deep  
DAVE: ill never recover   
TEREZI: OH, SHUT UP

You pull a face at her, the universal silent mocking one that usually gets at least a laugh. You think she rolls her eyes but you can't ever be sure with her. 

TEREZI: 1 SM3LT TH4T ON3, DORK


End file.
